Stream of Consciousness
“You’re a hurt woman”. Yes, and she without hurt may cast the first stone. Hurt across the lifespan from infancy and childhood through adolescence and adulthood we may not pass unscathed. But how do we heal the hurt? First recognizing the pain through acknowledging it’s evidence then tracing it back through the various methods we used to relieve it. That was my approach. Learning to accept responsibility for the self inflicted pain and its repercussions was a major hurdle. It lifted me out of the victimdom where I had built edifices of anger. Spirituality was my constant guide out of that dark tunnel and my light will shine through my paintings and poetry as a constant reminder that happiness is within me every hour of everyday of my life. It’s like a plant that requires sunlight, fresh water and good vibrations. I was never good with plants. Even now I have one jade plant that my sister gave me. I finally placed it in the bathroom where water is readily available. Vibrations are generally positive in that room and the window allows a steady stream of natural light. It’s become a metaphor for my strength and resolve to never travel the slums of dependency and unrequited love ever again.
How do I recognize the onset of a dependent relationship?
What do I tell myself to avoid falling into a state of denial about how someone really feels about me?
How do I force myself to acknowledge what I really want and expect from the other person?
How do I face head on what the other person wants and expects from me?
I must keep these questions in the foreground of developing relationships despite the tendency to go floating off in the magical chemistry and euphoria of his tantalizing gaze, and voice.